Mark: Shopping for Knickers
      Got the weekend to get through
      A nice pair of Y-fronts
      And a bubble-perm hairdo
Lard: Got a few quid now 
      We are in clover
      With a bit of luck tonight 
      I'll get my leg over
M:    Ten pints and some beer nuts
L:    And a pebble dash bathroom
      Wiped myself down and 
      I was back in full bloom
M:    But Lard you look gormless 
      We've no chance of snogging
      You're a physical freak 
      And your banter is bobbins
L:    I pulled last night.
M:    Yeah, but she dreamt of a fast getaway
L:    I pulled a wench, despite my stench
M:    She had a face just like a welder's bench
L:    Now that's not true, I must argue
      She's the best that I will ever do
M:    She was nowt special
L:    She looked the part
M:    Lard she was dog rough
L:    She had a good heart
M:    I think I told you right from the start
L:    What? 
M:    You were just an ugly blee..
L:    What?
M:    You were just an ugly blee..
L:    Go on
M:    You were just an ugly bleeder.. 

(Lard punches Mark)
(Lard's Guitar Solo, the tune disintegrates 
from here on)

M:    Orh Lard, you've broken me nose
      now I'll never get off with Louise
L:    Oh well, I hear that the base player's
      a bit desperate anyway.
M:    Don't give me the bass player you 
      gormless twonk
L:    I hear he's a good looking lad and 
      anyway you're always calling me gormless.
      That's twice you've called me gormless
M:    I never get off with anyone because I 
      hang around with you.
      It's pathetic.
L:    You're an ugly get.
M:    I'm not an ugly get I`m dead handsome 
      and in showbiz, me. I'm going to batter 
      you, you fat twonk   
(Sounds of Mark and Lard battering each other)
L:    Nicky Campbell looks fine compared to you.